Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
