Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
