drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
