It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
