well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
