I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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