you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
