Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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