A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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