I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize