after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
