OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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