i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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