Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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