yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
