I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
