omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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