My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
