An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
