you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize