I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
