The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize