So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
