Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
