I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so let's talk penis.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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