what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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