I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
