I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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