My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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