Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
