I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
