How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
