i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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