need another drink. this is the easiest way
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
