guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
