explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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