Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
