Do vagina's smell?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
