the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
