Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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