whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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