Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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