take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
why is half of my head shaved?
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