I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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