i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
