um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
