it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am mentally ready for anal.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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