Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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