When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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