My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
