fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
