Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
