Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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