She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
