I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
