My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
