it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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