you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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