Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
