you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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