I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
