last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
