Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
