1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
