My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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